But lets back up a little.
I told some, didn't tell many. I'm not in Japan anymore. About a month ago, I packed up the stuff in my tiny apartment in Chiba and came back to the US for good. A number of stresses influenced the move, not least the disruption and uncertainty surrounding the earthquake/tsunami/nuclear threat. I wasn't directly affected by the disaster (though I faced tons of train cancellations), I got rattled more than usual. Messed me up. Aftershocks, not being able to get home, shoddy food supply...on my already fragile-from-school psyche, not the best. So I did something a little out of the ordinary and slightly reckless. I left.
Did I make a smart decision? Remains to be seen. Do I have a plan from here on? Not anything concrete. But does it feel right...?
I made a promise to myself before I left 6 months ago that if I couldn't find what I was looking for at the University of Tokyo, I would leave. If anything, I stuck to my word. And that counts for something. But it doesn't mean I feel good at the moment.
Which brings me back to the present: a move to NYC. Back when I got home, I found out about a room in a friend's apartment that was open. I jumped on it - living at home doesn't suit me. But there are many unanswered questions from now, like, "where will you work?" and "how long will you stay there?" and "what were you thinking?!" I don't have a good answer for any of those. But what I do know is that I am really excited...but also really scared. I don't know how I'll do, (first time living in a big city and all) and I'm terrified of failure, going broke, and ending up back at home anyway.
But I remind myself that I'm still in recovery mode, taking it slow trying to regain what optimism and confidence I had before I left for Japan 8 months ago. I don't know if this city is the right place, but its got a vibe that I need now. And the uncertainty here is a lot different than what I went through last month.
And in Starbucks, the female cafe version of "No Women, No Cry" is playing: "Ev'rything's gonna be alright...ev'rything's gonna be alright"
